Here

I cut my fingernails
down to the quick
in a desperate search
just to feel something.
i stub my toes
on door frames and walls
tumble and stumble
down these darkening halls
just wanting to feel
feel something,
and know i'm real.
Just to know
that i still exist.
As your haunting memory
still persists.
I can't keep you out of my dreams
i can't resist.
the urge
the ache
the longing for you.
I love you
and i want you here
i do.
But i ask to much of you
i know.
and you're falling out of my life
like the quickly descending snow.
All too soon
i'll be trapped in a blizzard
with no one to keep me warm.
And i'll wish once again
that you were here
that you were near
that you would hold me
as you once did my dear.
I cannot make this more clear.
the urge
the ache
the longing for you.
i love you
and i want you here
i do.
and i've never known anything
to be more true
than this
than us
than you.

Dream

Dream Dreams
you can't live out.
Wake up,
with no lingering doubt.
Never fight the urge to sing
love and song
make wonderful things.
Hold on tight
to things you can't keep
wake up late
love your sleep.
make up stories
soak up the glory.
live your own fairytale
and love yourself
without fail.

I Want

I want you near
I want you here
I just want you to hold me
hold me like you used to dear.

I wanna feel your heartbeat
I wanna feel the heat
I wanna be so special
your special treat.

I wanna look into those eyes
I wanna stay up to watch the sun rise
I wanna fall alseep
and in the morning you'll be my prize.

Just stay another second
Soon the bed will begin to beckon.
you should leave soon, thats clear.
but you'd rather stay, i reckon.

Hold my hand
Hear my heart
Touch my soul
See my eyes
sparkle for you.

Something More

I have hurt you
once again.
Thinking those words
were a protection.
All i wanted
was to keep things peaceful.
But that was too much
to hope for.
All i wanted
was to keep you here
but you're headed for the door.
I can't help thinking
wishing
there was something more.

Dusty Memory

There's something about the way
your hair twists violently
around your face
in the faintest of breezes.
I love how
your petal-pink lips
curl faintly,
fragile
into a smile
whenever your eyes meet mine.
Your voice,
smooth and subtle
drifts lazily to my awaiting ears.
Your smell,
of cinnamon.
Lingers while you hold me.
If only i could pause this moment
Never to fade away.
Blinking,
its already fled.
and fading quickly into
another
Dusty memory.
Lost in the haze of
age and time.
Sometimes i wish
you could still
be
mine.

Not Enough

Just when i thought
we'd be okay.
just when the sun
signaled a new day.
Finally when everything
seemed alright
Finally we'd made it
through the night
Finally, finally,
lets end this fight.
Close your arms around me
tight like they used to be.
Back to that bench
back to the cold
back before bitterness
made young bodies so old.
I want to give you all my love
But darling,
It seems like,
any more,
to you
its just not
Enough.

Reasons to Love

You-

I love you.

Every last inch of you.

I don’t know why. You’re not at all my type. If I even have a type anymore…who’s to say? There I go, losing myself again on tangents you think are so cute. What’s so cute about them? Frankly, if I were you I would find them incredibly annoying. Maybe that’s why I love you. Your ability to put up with me like no one else can. It’s not like you can’t do any better. In fact, far from it. Before I came along with my ripped up soccer back pack and my bright-blue keds, you were content to chase the perfect ones, happy to conform. Something must have changed in you though. What was it? I’ll never understand. You had it all going for you. Girls wanted you, guys wanted to be you. You had charisma and charm, the looks of any teenage boy, but with a subtle suaveness that I couldn’t seem to escape. Yes, that’s why I love you. That inescapable smile. Those contemplative hazel eyes.  They say so much about you, did you know? They whisper to me what your mouth doesn’t dare to utter. But there I am again, getting off track. Why DO I love you? God knows you do things that can make me angrier than a bear in my bee-hive or a nerdy girl at cheer tryouts. What, with that sarcastic whit that can cut me clean open. That jealousy. You know I love you, so why do you insist on sheltering me from the entire male population? And your conformity. For once, just once I want you to do something radical.  I want you to really be you. But, I digress. Sure, you don’t look like much and maybe you aren’t. I suppose I’m just jaded. Is it lust or is it love? I ask too many questions whose answers simply do not exist. You think that’s cute too though. You think its cute that I snort when I laugh and that I’ve given up trying to tame my wild curly hair. You love when my eyes light up as I start relaying the French Revolution like its headliner news. You think its funny I hate your best friend and, and you just as soon kiss me as kill anyone else try and talk to me. Maybe that’s why I love you…No, I love that silly look you get on your face when you think real hard, and how you stick out your tongue at me in fake disgust. Oh but I hate how you’re like cotton candy. So sweet, but always dissolving in an instant and leaving me craving more. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re like that one sky-blue marble from Chinese checkers that rolled down the hall when I was five and got caught between the floorboards. The game just doesn’t work without it. I never found it, you know. Until that first time you came over. I still laugh when I think of that day. Did you know I spent three hours doing and redoing my hair and I changed my outfit at least five times, I was so nervous? I know what you’re thinking, you always see me this way, what’s the difference? Well, I don’t know I guess... I just wanted it to be special. Well, you came over (little klutz you are) and you tripped over those floorboards that had long-since had the new worn off of, and you accidentally ripped one up with the toe of your shoe. The look on your face…goodness. You would’ve thought you just accidentally gave the Leaning Tower of Pisa its last final shove. But there it was my marble. Waiting for me, as it always had. And that’s how I knew. That’s I knew I’d always, always

Love

You.

Fragile Love

“In Love.”

This seemingly simple phrase brought a whirlwind of thoughts, a tidal wave of emotions, and a calm-before-the-storm affect that caused my heart to pound like the hammer of an early-morning roofer and my skin to tingle like seductively sipped champagne.

“I. am…in love”

I toyed with this thought; let it slip smoothly off the polished white enamel of my fresh morning teeth and out my chapping cranberry lips.

Slowly I warm up to the idea. Having been hurt, trampled, misused and battered from past infatuations, I was hesitant to admit it to myself, knowing that once I let myself get a hold of this cancerous thought, it would be the end of me.

Love is such a fragile state. Like hatching chicks, or the moment before you step into a hot-air balloon. You know what should happen, you have expectations, but you also have fear. Fear of things you convince yourself (from years of pain) are immanent.  Knowing your shell might not crack and your balloon might crash, but continuing on likewise.

That is foolish.

That is risky.

That is painful.

That is glorious.

That is beautiful.

That is twisted.

That is cherished.

That…

Is

Love.

Goodbye

your words ring in my ears
like a half-remembered dream
racing through my mind
like pleading screams
i miss you more than i know how to say.
your back is already turning away
my mouth is dry
as i fumble for the words
"please stay".
But all i can do
is sit there and sigh
as you say indifferently
"well, we gave it a try"
who knew something
soo good
could hurt so much.
who knew
of your poisonous touch.
One last time
you press your lips to mine.
now you're leaving
and its all i have
to stop from crying.
my lips part
just in time to whisper
one last
raspy
"goodbye".

How i Knew You

I wish i could remember

those silly looks you sent me across the room.

the way you smelled in the mornings

how your hair splayed playfully across your forehead.

i wish i could still hear

that hearty laugh.

your heartbeat

pounding in my ear,

or the sound of your voice

comforting me on the phone

at 2am.

I'd give all i had

to see you smile again

to see those beautiful hazel eyes,

that creamy smooth skin.

I'll always love the feel

of your hand on my back

your arm around my waist

my head on your chest.

I wish

oh i wish

i could know you as i did.

Ice-Cream Afternoon

I still remember

that hot July day

when we went out for ice-cream.

the cool creaminess of it,

refreshing

and the taste of your lips,

tender

and chocolatey.

blended with mine

tangy
and tart,

lemon sherbert. 

we walked hand and hand

down the baking black pavement

detouring around the cracks

and meandering towards

the shade.

Then i was riding

happily on your back.

the subtle breeze

making my hair dance lazily across my face

and the afternoon sun

smiling down on my freckled nose.

Your stole kisses

and i happily obliged.

wanting to stay with you forever.

but all too soon

we muttered good-byes

as storm clouds

loomed.

i never thought

those days would change.

but good things

won't stay the same.

Subtle Introductions

shyly i raise my eyes
and i meet your
steely gaze
as you raise your glass.
i drink you in
as you sip your wine
ever so seductively.
my eyes slip
down to my lap
as i carefully examine
the threading of the tweed
and all too clearly
i feel those eyes
ever presently welded
to my cheekbone.
i feel my cheeks redden
and grow hot
like the embers of
the early evening fire
i find myself mesmerized by
as i consciously avert my gaze
from this mysterious being.
but oh,
how i want to
sneak a little peek
at the shadowy man who studies me.
 i am overcome
with fear.
that petrifying gaze
leaves my woozy
and uncertain.
finally
i muster the courage
to look up.
I tell myself to smile
but as soon as my eyes
meet those glowing minty orbs of yours
my mouth simply falls agape.
and my lips curl
unattractively at the edges.
horrified with what i had just done
convinced i had spoiled it
i return my eyes hastily to my lap.
only moments later
i alarmingly find
a hand placed softly on my back
another on my chin
as the dark creature
lifts my face to his
as he carefully
and wordlessly
introduces
his lips
to mine.

Rewind

Paul-

I went on a walk today.

I know you don’t care but

I passed the park

Where we had

Our

First kiss.

We were sitting

On swings

Too small for our bottoms

Our knees

Poking out

Awkwardly

Like

New born calves.

We bumped noses

and crashed teeth

but

it was good.

and i'd never felt

so wanted.

I didn’t mean to go that way

I haven’t been there

Since that day

But for some reason

I turned left

Around my corner

And found

Myself

Face to face

With a memory long suppressed.

I’m getting off track though

That’s not

Why

I wrote you.

I think its because

I realized

That

I still miss you.

The golden flecks

in your eyes;

The way

You would always whisper

It would be okay.

How I thought I knew

My place

Would always be

By your side

And my hand,

Always in yours

Yours in mine.

I guess I thought we were

Seamlessly

Intertwined.

Oh,

Silly mind.

Please

Rewind.

Sick Ploy

July 3, 2011

Today
it began.
i opened my mind.
i crossed the line
to see what i could find.
Today
was the start
i jumped towards you
breathed deeply
and opened my heart.
Yesterdays
are forgotten.
old feather pillows
broken open to fickle winds.
Tomorrows
so unsure.
Lingering doubts
hinder us
waiting for more.
so many doors;
possibilities
to explore.
Eloquent sayings
and sweet whispered words
are lost on
numb ears
sore hearts
empty minds.
Close your eyes
squeeze me tight.
i seem to have caught fire
from your radiant light.
bright like the sun
quick as a gun
shot into the distance
no thought of resistance.
hold me
love me
be my boy.
smile that smile
that gives so much
joy.
Please promise me
this isn't a sick,
sick ploy.